i haven't updated in a little while. it's that darn facebook Purg! i like it though.

my spring break is almost over...and what have i done? well, i applied for 3 jobs and didn't hear back. i think i have to work on my CV. i put my portfolio online. i started doing some graphic design for a contest, but i haven't finished yet. have done lots of doodles but no real finished art work. pretty damn unproductive.

flat hunting with friends going okay, which worries me because secretly i would prefer to just live alone so i can continue binging and purging twice a night. :( i'm so screwed, i don't know what i'm going to do.

i STILL haven't heard from the study treatment, and i keep forgetting to call and ask what the deal is. WHY do they make it so difficult to get help?? last time when i called, it sounded like they had intended to contact me but just made a mistake and never did. do they just not want any more patients? the results of their study are already going to be skewed if they only have the very motivated people to join because those are the ones who are persistent and don't get discouraged. i really do want treatment, though. oh i'll call tomorrow.

i have been pretty bad about sleeping. i've been catching like 2-3 hrs sleep at a time. and i am usually up all through the night and early morning.

i haven't talked to my family via skype in at least a month now, just email. i think of calling them, but then i feel too...ashamed of myself.

i'm reading 'the castle' by kafka now. i love kafka.

by the way, here is my art blog.

quite empty right now but i am working on it.

http://drawapig.blogspot.com

i'm actually here, doing this on my own. today i was so very proud of myself because i managed to use the Underground.

i bought a mobile phone...i used up all the credit on it just calling my mom for a few minutes. UGH. the phone line doesn't work in my room and the broadband is shit, it keeps going in and out.

all my mom talked about was the financial aid and student loans. i talk to her for the first time in days and that's all she talks about. it's so frustrating. it reminds me how EXPENSIVE this all is and makes me feel guilty. i don't know how i'm going to ever pay it back.

i'm going to enroll tomorrow. i can't wait to start classes but i'm pretty nervous about it, too, because i am going to be about a week late (the visa).

anyway, i went to oxford circus on my way to the international centre and was distracted by all the shops. CLOTHES, oh my gosh. i need to stop spending money NOW.

i've made a friend, this postgraduate student from botswana. he's really smart, kinda makes me feel dumb. but i guess that's because i'm younger. i like talking to him sometimes, other times he's a little annoying. but whatever, it is good to talk and not be alone all the time.

all of the girls dress the same here. what is up with that?

i feel like i look a lot different than most people. not that it's a bad thing. maybe it's just the social anxiety, but sometimes i feel like everyone is staring at me, like i look weird to them.

i really wish i had a coffee maker. my caffiene habit is expensive.

my room is so damn ugly. i have these awful green and yellow curtains. i don't want to BUY more stuff to make it look nice, so i think i will have to be creative.

i don't know anyone on my floor, because i never SEE any of them. the other night i actually said hi to a girl on my floor and she was really unfriendly. when people are like that i find it really disconcerting and instantly start questioning myself. but the thing is, i shouldn't care, some people are just unpleasant. or stuck-up. i hate that women can be so goddamn judgmental of each other.

i feel like i'm getting the hang of things...i know how to use the trains, buses, and i'm not freezing to death. my eating kinda sucks. i just ate for the first time today and it's past 10pm. just being busy and nervous/excited, i guess. but, yeah, i'm also afraid of gaining weight because that somehow implies chaos.

#1

if you are desperate to smoke but lost your lighter, USE A TOASTER.

#2

this is why you should not take up smoking.

today i'm going to follow the meal plan my dietician gave me.

i can hardly believe i'm going to do this to myself.
it's like i'm willfully submitting myself to torture and i know i'll regret it and be angry with myself.

but i NEED to do this. all i have is NOW, and it needs to happen or it never will.

color quiz
( weirdly accurate results )

I usually don't like quizzes like this; but that is pretty close to me.

here is an excellent article from Jezebel on why the media shouldn't treat anorexics "like celebrities". the writer had anorexia herself and is recovered. the women the Daily Mail interviewed says she's too intelligent for therapists. bulllshit. i would have the same thought. i thought, how can i let someone who isn't as intelligent as me tell me what to do? like her, i felt i was always "one step ahead." what this poor woman needs to do is realize that she is sick. no matter how smart she is, she still needs to accept help. and the media needs to NOT put her on a pedestal for being sick. the media sucks when it comes to coverage of EDs.

Why The Media Should Stop Treating Sick Women Like Celebrities

i binged a second time and tried to purge. never in a million years did i expect being able to purge to suddenly escape me.

so i took a bunch of seroquel. i'm not sure how much. i will probably fall asleep for a long time. or die. either way.

i guess i'm just a weak person. i'm sorry my family has had to put up with me. that is all that is wrong with me. i'm a weak person, and i can die without much trouble.

i'll be sorry if i wake up. i'm tired of being surrounded by useless so-called professionals. i just want someone to help me. that's all i want.